What is up with my life?

...don't think I'll ever understand...

Published on April 24, 2004 By JoeCool822 In Life Journals

Can someone please fill me in on what's going on in my life? - because I haven't a damn clue. I wish I knew why everything in my life happens, because truly, I don't believe they should all happen. There are things in my life that have been good, but not in the entire past week. Something happened. I don't know what it was, but obviously something did. Don't think I'm an idiot, I know things. Shit, last week was awesome (week of 4/11-15) because I had thought that someone wanted me for who I was. Finally, thank God, someone saw me for who I was - the same person who I thought the same exact thing about in the entire month of Feburary. The same person who has told me so much about her life since December. The same person who sent me notes for no damn reason - and that made me so happy. The same person who pushed another guy out of the way to stay with me. The same person whom I trusted so much. The same person who was so honest with me - she told me everything - and I accepted it. The same person who was and is such a beautiful girl to be, on the outside and inside. The same person who's smile make my heart flutter, that made me the happiest guy in the world. The same person who meant and still means more to me than anyone ever will. The same person who took my life out of the darkness and gave me a chance to be with her. I failed miserably, or else she would still be mine. The same person whom I talked about EVERYTHING with - from abortion, to shampoo, to the Atlanta Braves, to salad dressings, to Gone With the Wind, to Grease, to... - everything, everything. The same person who made me feel so secure and good about myself. The same person who I loved, and still do love. The same person who pushed me to perversion from being the "good boy". The same goddamn person who held my hand so many times when I needed it. The same person who kissed me like she meant it. The same person who treated me so much better than anyone else has, ever. The same person who gave me all this stuff - whether she was having the worst fuckin day of her life or not. She did all of this for me, and I did NOTHING for her. Nothing. I never did anything to make her feel loved. I never did anything to make her think I cared about her so much that I'd die for her (seriously). I never pushed myself to call her, and to make her feel comforted. I never held her like I would never let go. I messed up big time. Now I understand. Figures - I messed up my life. And, honestly, I never did anything to make her's any better than it is now. I just stressed her out ever more. I never wanted to do that. All I ever wanted was her. I know that's a bit selfish, but she's really that perfect. Yes, you heard me right. Perfect. I know what you want to say - "You're just saying that because she used to be your first girlfriend." - and although the statement that she was my 1st g/f is true, everything else is so wrong. Everything she does - her blunt honesty, her trustfulness, her pervertness (hey, it's good sometimes), her laughter, her smile, and she's pretty strong - all the little things... they just mean so much more than you would think. Perfection. So if anyone says otherwise about her, I'd say "Shut your pie hole, you're wrong." Because, they are. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much she means to me. Not even me. I love her, that's all I know. I love her.

And fuck last week. Fuck it. That's all you need to know about it. The only damn good thing was seeing a certain someone. That's it.

--------
Love is the sharing and the caring, the want and the need
Love is not just a word; love is a power with unknown strengths
Love is a bond, away to keep people together
Love is everything wonderful.
Love is you.
--------

I know you didn't mean to hurt me
And you didn't mean to make me cry
But knowing I no longer have you
Makes me want to die

Maybe we moved too slow
Or maybe we weren't meant to be
But either way time will tell
If you'll ever come back to me

Please don't tell me that you're stupid
Or that now you feel bad
Because I still care about you
And what you're saying makes me sad

Let me love you
The way you need to be or should
Because if I could take your pain away
I swear I would

You helped me heal
You helped me forget
And loving you
I'll never regret

You said I deserve better
But I don't think I do
Because I only need one thing
And what I need is you

I told you I loved you
But it's never too late
Don't think that I won't talk to you
Because you I'll never hate

These feelings are too deep
And I'll never let you go
I care about you and I love you
In case you didn't know

I know that I made a mistake
When I didn't show you how much I care
I never meant to, it was all my fault
All I can ask for: a God-given prayer

Let me be by your side
Let me show you what love is
Because you're the one I care about
And you're the one I miss!

~ Joe Tinter - Dedicated to my love, Jessica.

I really do love you, sweetheart. I need you to know that I love you sooo much. God, if I was given the chance to live forever, or spend a day with you, I'd take the day. That's the truth. It'd be the best damn day of my life. Ever. Period. I just want you back. That's all I ever wanted - you.

Comments

MadPoet41

on Apr 24, 2004

Dude~sorry to hear about all this. It sounds like you really did meet the love of your life. I kinda had to read between the lines a little? I don't know why the whole thing had to come to such a screeching halt? You think maybe you weren't attentive and loving enough to her~did she tell you this herself?

It doesn't have to be too late. People sometimes just need a little time and space before they truly can figure out what they want and need? So just give this special girl of yours a little time, huh? The one thing I kept wondering about (as I read your blog) is this: Do you think if she read everything you just said (including the cool poem) that might help her to see you really do love her and care about her? Maybe think about it, and send her a copy of this blog? Because I admire your honesty here, and a lot of the time I know girls are thinking they just can't figure out what's going on inside a dude's head and heart? (They often will bring that up in some of the blogs here at JU.) So maybe show her your blog dude. That's the one thought that came to my mind pretty quick. Best of luck to you dude! Hope it all works out for the best! And thanks for being so open and honest in your blog here. I appreciate that kind of thing a lot.

~MadPoet

P.S. In fact, I tried to be totally open and honest myself in a "confessions" type blog I did a day or so ago. It's in the blogging section now if you ever wanna check it out, etc. GOOD LUCK!

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